1. Fear - Nothing has ever scared me so much. Fear of the unknown, uncertain of the future, afraid when things are going well because they can always get worse. Afraid to hope.

2. Helplessness - In the beginning, before I got used to them, I would look down at my son. All of those tubes and wires coming out of him. I would just burst into tears. It broke my heart to see him that way. It is hard to stand back and watch others mothering your child, knowing more than you what is best for him.

3. Patience - Waiting, waiting, waiting. Waiting for Eric to have a good day so I can touch him. Waiting a month just to hold him. Waiting for him to breathe again. Waiting for his heart rate to go up. Waiting for them to move from the ventilator to CPAP to nasal cannula. Waiting to take him home. There is nothing to but wait. Growing babies can't be rushed.

4. Love - Spending every day with my son, touching his little toes and feeling them curl into my fingers, those are the moments I lived for in the beginning. Even now, I just need to hold him and feel his body close to mine. It reassures me that this isn't forever.

5. Frustration - 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Rinse, lather, repeat. It is a roller coaster ride of the emotions.

6. Gratitude - Every day is a blessing that my child is alive and is doing well in the NICU. Since I have been there, 2 babies have died, many have had setbacks and need major surgery, others aren't progressing very well. I know a few whose lives hang in the balance even now. It makes Eric's setbacks easier to deal with.

7. Happiness - Eric smiling when he is asleep. Feeling his hand wrap around my finger. Eric learning to reach for me and crying to be held. All of these tiny moments are cherished memories of a child who shouldn't be.

8. Awe - It is amazing to look back at the pictures of Eric. From less than a pound when he was born, to 5 pounds and 1 oz, as of today. He has fought so hard for his life and to be where he is now. He is amazing to me.

9. Hope - Finally getting that feeling that he could come home, that someday, instead of leaving him at the hospital, he can home with me this time.

10. Living in the moment - When we got the prognosis of Eric only having a 20% chance of living past the week, Cris and I decided that we would take each day as it came. We took picture after picture. No matter what came, we would cherish this day.

11. Strength - I have learned that even in my weakest moment, I am still stronger than I ever thought I could be. Watching Eric struggle and fight, keeps me strong. He keeps me going on the toughest days, smiling when I want to cry. How can I be weak, when he is doing all of the work? Eric is my joy, my inspiration, my hero.